This blog is going to be longer than most of my blogs. By the very nature of humans, not even considering our ED, we all have bad days, complete with wondering how it can be gotten through.
Even though I have been working very hard towards recovery, I, like you, have what in my mind are very bad days. I feel as though it is all I can do just to put one foot in front of another. I am quite sure that each of us battling this disease have days like this. No matter how well we may be doing towards our recovery, these days can feel so very overwhelming. We can feel so lost in our emotions, we can’t even begin to see the light, and may not be able to believe there is a light, much less how to handle these intense feelings and emotions. If we have been in recovery for any length of time and feel as though we have managed our ED well, we still have days like this. For me, they seem exceptionally brutal since I felt as though I have dealt with all of this bs. We may even be afraid to turn to our support system because we have been doing well and we feel as though we will let them down. We most likely feel as though we have let ourselves down; that “I will never ever recover”, or even “what’s wrong with me, why can’t I ‘get’ this”? Old thinking is hard to let go of, especially when we are having a bad day. Those old thoughts seem to pop up when we least expect them. Those thoughts helped us in a way that once upon a time we believed served and protected us in some way. I wish I had a magic wand to make all of these feelings and emotions just disappear; but it doesn’t work that way, and we all know this. The fear can be so severe that we just can’t think of what to do to help ourselves.
So what do we do on days like this? First and foremost, DON’T BEAT YOURSELF UP! I understand that this is much more difficult than it sounds. Sometimes hearing this from someone is enough, and sometimes we can’t ’hear’ those words and we continue to still berate ourselves, feeling like a miserable failure. I, just like the rest of you, at times, struggle with this. At times like this, my first go-to step is to reach out to my professional support. These persons will not be judgmental but rather understanding of our fears. At times, they can give you a way to channel your thinking into another thought that you are able to use to stop beating yourself up. You are not a terrible person but just a person who is having a bad day.
When the thoughts become dangerous is when we are not able to sit with our feelings and are contemplating an old behavior that leads to self-harm of one form or another. At this time, I cannot stress enough that this is when it is imperative; that is, you ABSOLUTELY NEED TO REACH OUT to your professional team. This may also be very difficult since many of us feel as though we are ‘a burden’ and that we are a phony because we have been doing well. Those are feelings that are a cognitive distortion. We are not a burden! Our professional team, especially those who have experience in treating ED, are well aware that there are going to be those days, thoughts, and feelings. They will be able to help you process the feelings you may be having before the slip turns into a slide.
Let’s look at the words ‘never’ or ‘ever’. Let’s challenge them because in reality, we know they are NOT true and are just cognitive distortions. The very word ‘never’ or ‘ever’ means for the rest of your life. Are you quite sure that you will never, ever recover? Do you really believe this is true? Can you allow yourself to believe that this feeling is only temporary and that possibly tomorrow or sometime in the near future, you will be able to pick yourself back up and get back on the horse? We have all been told repeatedly, and we might want to try to remember that RECOVERY IS NOT LINEAR. If this is a hard concept for us to grasp at this time, after all, most of us are perfectionists, and we detest feelings that cause us to think we have failed…know you have not failed…failure would be to give up totally and to completely stop trying. If you are reading this blog, know that I believe you haven’t given up.
Understand that everyone, including me, has days that we want to throw in the towel. When I was in treatment at the residential facility, I learned that all people have bad days. The trick here is to remember that. This is something that we don’t always realize. But it is really, really true. We just do not see it. All humans have days that they are not feeling 100%, no matter how ‘put together’ they seem to be. No bad days mean you are a robot without emotions, feelings, or thoughts that are unpleasant! Sitting with these fears is what you might try. I know they feel as though they will never go away, but they will. Believe it or not, if we “don’t feed our emotions,” they usually disappear in 90 seconds. It seems impossible to believe that, but the trick here and the key takeaway is “don’t feed the emotions.”
These days are the days when I have to take it back to the beginning! I force myself to do the very small things that I did at the very start of my recovery journey that helped me out. I use the small things since big things feel impossible. I am here to tell you that even doing this can feel so very hard. My small things are focused around self-care. Brush your hair, wash your face, brush your teeth, or just make your bed, if those are things you struggled with at the beginning of your journey. Then give yourself credit for being able to do this. “ I did it” goes a long way to letting your brain know you are NOT a failure, that you are making progress in spite of your negative emotions.
If you keep a progress list, read it again to remind yourself that you have made progress. If you keep a gratitude journal or any type of writing and keep track of your daily wins, reread them. Works the same way.
Yoga/Tai Chi or gentle stretching helps to reset your vagus nerve in your brain. The vagus nerve is one of the most important nerves in your body. It’s the longest cranial nerve and plays a huge role in the parasympathetic nervous system, which controls rest, digestion, and relaxation. When we are upset, there are physical changes our mind and brain go through. The vagus nerve supports breathing since our breathing tends to become ‘goofy’. It does this by affecting the muscles involved in breathing, helping regulate the diaphragm. This is the area of our mind that connects the gut and brain. The vagus nerve is a key part of the gut-brain process, influencing mood, mental health, and even conditions like anxiety and depression. To me, the most important (though they are all important reasons) reason to resetting the vagus nerve is because it triggers the relaxation response. Stimulating the vagus nerve (through deep breathing, cold exposure, or meditation) can promote relaxation and reduce stress. In short, it’s like the body’s superhighway for relaxation and balance—without it, we’d be stuck in a constant state of stress.
The idea of meditation (see the blog on meditation) feels at times impossible, especially when we are in distress. Try it! If you cannot concentrate on something, a pleasant event for you or a mantra, don’t panic. When you catch your mind drifting back to your distress, just gently and non-judgmentally, bring it back. Try this for whatever time you are able. Start with the goal of a small amount of time, even as small as one minute. Extend this time if and when you are able.
Other ideas, tips, and tricks are to use a breathing technique of your choice. You can also use distraction techniques where you do something, anything positive that takes your mind (even if it is a very short time) off of your negative thoughts. When they return, and they probably will if you are having a bad day, repeat any of these techniques over and over again. If you have access to some place that you consider nature, go there (if possible) and use one of the ideas listed above. Listen to POSITIVE, calming music is another way to help yourself. Maybe even try a new type of music that is calming, such as classical, close your eyes as let your mind find pictures that go with whatever you imagine or just sit quietly and ‘feel’ the music. Maybe songs that you liked when you were younger and in a better place can be helpful. Journal or write out your emotions, thoughts, feelings, and fears. Sometimes just getting them out in any form can be beneficial in lessening them. You don’t have to be an able to do these things perfectly!
Give yourself credit for doing any of the above techniques or any of the techniques that are in your toolbox. Remember, this tells your brain you are making progress, even if it is small, sometimes even tiny ways.
FINAL THOUGHTS:
I know and believe that those of us who suffer from an ED of any type can beat it. It is hard work and at times feels impossible; but I am sure it is a goal that is obtainable to all of you out there.
KEEP YOUR CHIN UP! Take baby steps towards your recovery, put one foot in front of the other, and know, with a capital K, you CAN do it. Even if you can’t see it now, the world needs you!
Wings of Recovery 