Today marks the 2 year anniversary since I entered the residential treatment facility for my eating disorder. I was a mess back then; confused, angry and in deep despair. I shook and cried the whole time during the intake process. I felt like a total failure. I hated knowing there was something I couldn’t tackle on my own. My self-hatred ran deep. I had had to rely on my daughter to get me to the treatment facility which also made me feel terrible. After all, I was the mom and I was supposed to take of her (even though she was an adult with her own child) not the other way around. Most of all, I was afraid. Probably the most afraid I can ever remember being in my life of 66 years. What would they do to me? How could anyone possibly help me; after all I was sure no one could help me. I had resigned myself that this disease was going to kill me. At that point that was preferable to the mental pain I was in.
As I have said I the “My Personal Journey “ blog I was not the “best patient”! I fought and fought to control everything. Fortunately, they had (I am sure) encountered other patients with the same attitude as me. I challenged everything they were trying to teach me. I hated being asked to do things I was not “perfect” at; sure that everyone was judging me. The staff at the facility were kind and patient. They listened to my fears and helped me to find out I could manage (notice I didn’t use the word control) my ED.
2 years later, I have reached my goal weight and no longer believe this disease was going to kill me. Though a lot of hard work and many ups and downs I now believe that I can live a life filled with love, happiness and the ability to be there for those people that I loved. I no longer feel that this disease will kill me.
My professional support system has continued the lessons I learned at the treatment facility. They have helped me to spot the cognitive distortions and challenge them with other more positive thoughts. They have helped me to continue the progress and the lessons I learned at the treatment facility. I am the one that still had to do the hard work; but at times I fought against it with all my might.
I have learned that I am worth fighting for. I don’t have to let this disease control me, but rather that I could manage it. I now have the ability to know when it is me or the ED talking. I learned that I will always have to be aware of my triggers which always set off my ED. I have learned how to manage my triggers about 75% of the time. I am human, so I still have moments where those triggers overwhelm me. This is where I have learned to reach out to them; that I am NOT a burden to them when I reach out during the times I am struggling during the days I am not seeing them. They have been kind, compassionate and gentle. Which for me are traits I am not used to having shown to me.
I am now genuinely happy some of the time. My ED no longer runs my life most of the time. I can show myself and are worthy of the same compassion and understanding that I receive from my support team. I no longer feel as though this disease is all I have. I don’t need to be defined by a number on the scale; that there is so much more to me. I have a bright future. I embrace the future, though at times with trepidation, and realize that I am NOT my past. I now try very hard to not ‘fortune tell’ but rather to use my past as nothing more than a history book and NOT a crystal ball!
I will be the first to tell you all that this past 2 years has been difficult and at times seems impossible to keep on track. But for me, it is has been well worth it, in spite of the pain I have gone through to get here. I know that the pain won’t last forever and I have the tools to cope with it. It may take me a day or 2 to work through this pain; but I can do it. I keep track of my progress for those days that I am sure I can’t go another step. I have found a purpose in my life which helps me on those ‘bad’ days. I also use my playlist to remind me that “I will survive”.
Be aware for the times that the ED is talking. One step at a time, no matter how small of a step it is. Life can be good again. But only you can do the hard work! My hope for all of you is that you can beat this awful persistent disease and live a happy, purposeful and productive life! You are NOT your disease!
FINAL THOUGHTS:
I know and believe that those of us who suffer from an ED of any type can beat it. It is hard work and at times feels impossible; but I am sure it is a goal that is obtainable to all of you out there.
KEEP YOUR CHIN UP! Take baby steps towards your recovery, put one foot in front of the other and know, with a capital K, you CAN do it. Even if you can’t see it now, the world needs you!
Wings of Recovery 