anxiety – Wings of Recovery

Understanding Our ED

None of us woke up one morning and said “self, I think today I want to develop an eating disorder”. It does not happen like that as we all know. We all start our disordered eating for different reasons. But the end result is the same, we are all suffering from a disease that started in one form or another as a way to cope with something we were not able or didn’t have the tools to handle. Everyone’s beginnings are similar, but different. Unfortunately the ending is all the same. The fear, shame, self-loathing, depression, isolation and many other unpleasant thoughts, feelings and emotions overwhelm us. Leaving us feeling like we are drowning in despair.

For me, understanding exactly why I began restricting was painful because it meant what I call ‘re-hashing or re-opening’ of the old wounds. Something I was not prepared to go through again. In fact every time I tried to deal with my past my anorexia grew more out of my control. So the old wounds just festered. My ED gave me something to control and focus on while it took over my life and my brain in a way that allowed me to avoid re-opening my past.

Developing an eating disorder can be complex, varied and influenced by many areas of our life, including emotional, psychological, biological, and social elements. Some common influences that can allow this disorder to begin may include:

Emotional and Psychological Factors such as stress, anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, or a need for control can aid in the development of disordered eating patterns. Sometimes food or lack of food becomes a way to cope with overwhelming emotions.

Cultural and Social Pressures of societal beauty standards, media glorification of body image, or pressure from peers and our family can influence how we see perceive our bodies and our relationship with food. When I was growing up a model named Twiggy was the rage. She was a toothpick thin woman and was held up as a standard all women should look like. Today we know that is so not healthy.

Biological Factors like genetics, hormonal imbalances, or brain chemistry can play a role in predisposing us to an eating disorder. We can also be heavily influenced by the example our parents set for us. If we see that our mother doesn’t eat much or binges and/or purges, over exercises especially when she is stressed or for whatever reason, this tells our brain that this is the way to handle stress, anxiety and/or unpleasant emotions. I am not sure if this is a biological factor or falls under family dynamics, so I put it in both categories.

Trauma and Life Experiences like bullying, abuse (of any type), loss of an important person in our lives, a major traumatic event which causes us deep pain or significant life changes can lead to feelings of vulnerability or loss of control, which some of us might try to manage through eating behaviors.

Family Dynamics where growing up in an environment where there’s an emphasis on appearance, dieting, or where emotional needs weren’t fully met can also be a contributing factor. The examples set by our childhood caretakers can also have a large influence on whether we develop disordered eating. If our caretaker uses food in one way or another to cope with their feelings, anxiety or other unpleasant situations, that is a strong example that we learn early on. We learn that is a way to cope. It would not be uncommon for us to develop that sort of coping mechanism ourselves.

Understanding the root causes of an eating disorder is personal and often complex. I believe that we MUST be in a place of good physical and stable mental health before we can begin to tackle this subject. Quite often we also suffer from other forms of mental issues such as depression, PTSD, BPD, severe anxiety or bi-polar just to name a few. Left unknown, unseen (because we are masters at hiding what we don’t want others to see), misdiagnosed or untreated can also greatly increase the chances of an eating disorder making its ugly appearance. These too must be dealt with before dealing with the why question. For without dealing with the underlying mental issues we can not achieve the stable mental health we need to pursue sorting out and dealing with the why of our ED.

I have found that the ED had to be dealt with first and foremost. With the help of my support team, both professional and friends and family, I was able to reach and maintain a healthy weight. Once I had enough mental and physical wellness as well as a ton of tools in my tool box to explore this area, I began to deal with the why I developed my ED. I won’t sit here and say it is not scary and fear filled to reopen old wounds; but it is a necessary part of truly healing, in my opinion.

FINAL THOUGHTS:

I know and believe that those of us who suffer from an ED of any type can beat it. It is hard work and at times feels impossible; but I am sure it is a goal that is obtainable to all of you out there.

KEEP YOUR CHIN UP! Take baby steps towards your recovery, put one foot in front of the other and know, with a capital K, you CAN do it. Even if you can’t see it now, the world needs you.

How do I get through today?

This blog is going to be longer than most of my blogs. By the very nature of humans, not even considering our ED, we all have bad days, complete with wondering how it can be gotten through.

Even though I have been working very hard towards recovery, I, like you, have what in my mind are very bad days. I feel as though it is all I can do just to put one foot in front of another. I am quite sure that each of us battling this disease have days like this. No matter how well we may be doing towards our recovery, these days can feel so very overwhelming. We can feel so lost in our emotions, we can’t even begin to see the light, and may not be able to believe there is a light, much less how to handle these intense feelings and emotions. If we have been in recovery for any length of time and feel as though we have managed our ED well, we still have days like this. For me, they seem exceptionally brutal since I felt as though I have dealt with all of this bs. We may even be afraid to turn to our support system because we have been doing well and we feel as though we will let them down. We most likely feel as though we have let ourselves down; that “I will never ever recover”, or even “what’s wrong with me, why can’t I ‘get’ this”? Old thinking is hard to let go of, especially when we are having a bad day. Those old thoughts seem to pop up when we least expect them. Those thoughts helped us in a way that once upon a time we believed served and protected us in some way. I wish I had a magic wand to make all of these feelings and emotions just disappear; but it doesn’t work that way, and we all know this. The fear can be so severe that we just can’t think of what to do to help ourselves.

So what do we do on days like this? First and foremost, DON’T BEAT YOURSELF UP! I understand that this is much more difficult than it sounds. Sometimes hearing this from someone is enough, and sometimes we can’t ’hear’ those words and we continue to still berate ourselves, feeling like a miserable failure. I, just like the rest of you, at times, struggle with this. At times like this, my first go-to step is to reach out to my professional support. These persons will not be judgmental but rather understanding of our fears. At times, they can give you a way to channel your thinking into another thought that you are able to use to stop beating yourself up. You are not a terrible person but just a person who is having a bad day.

When the thoughts become dangerous is when we are not able to sit with our feelings and are contemplating an old behavior that leads to self-harm of one form or another. At this time, I cannot stress enough that this is when it is imperative; that is, you ABSOLUTELY NEED TO REACH OUT to your professional team. This may also be very difficult since many of us feel as though we are ‘a burden’ and that we are a phony because we have been doing well. Those are feelings that are a cognitive distortion. We are not a burden! Our professional team, especially those who have experience in treating ED, are well aware that there are going to be those days, thoughts, and feelings. They will be able to help you process the feelings you may be having before the slip turns into a slide.

Let’s look at the words ‘never’ or ‘ever’. Let’s challenge them because in reality, we know they are NOT true and are just cognitive distortions. The very word ‘never’ or ‘ever’ means for the rest of your life. Are you quite sure that you will never, ever recover? Do you really believe this is true? Can you allow yourself to believe that this feeling is only temporary and that possibly tomorrow or sometime in the near future, you will be able to pick yourself back up and get back on the horse? We have all been told repeatedly, and we might want to try to remember that RECOVERY IS NOT LINEAR. If this is a hard concept for us to grasp at this time, after all, most of us are perfectionists, and we detest feelings that cause us to think we have failed…know you have not failed…failure would be to give up totally and to completely stop trying. If you are reading this blog, know that I believe you haven’t given up.

Understand that everyone, including me, has days that we want to throw in the towel. When I was in treatment at the residential facility, I learned that all people have bad days. The trick here is to remember that. This is something that we don’t always realize. But it is really, really true. We just do not see it. All humans have days that they are not feeling 100%, no matter how ‘put together’ they seem to be. No bad days mean you are a robot without emotions, feelings, or thoughts that are unpleasant! Sitting with these fears is what you might try. I know they feel as though they will never go away, but they will. Believe it or not, if we “don’t feed our emotions,” they usually disappear in 90 seconds. It seems impossible to believe that, but the trick here and the key takeaway is “don’t feed the emotions.”

These days are the days when I have to take it back to the beginning! I force myself to do the very small things that I did at the very start of my recovery journey that helped me out. I use the small things since big things feel impossible. I am here to tell you that even doing this can feel so very hard. My small things are focused around self-care. Brush your hair, wash your face, brush your teeth, or just make your bed, if those are things you struggled with at the beginning of your journey. Then give yourself credit for being able to do this. “ I did it” goes a long way to letting your brain know you are NOT a failure, that you are making progress in spite of your negative emotions.

If you keep a progress list, read it again to remind yourself that you have made progress. If you keep a gratitude journal or any type of writing and keep track of your daily wins, reread them. Works the same way.

Yoga/Tai Chi or gentle stretching helps to reset your vagus nerve in your brain. The vagus nerve is one of the most important nerves in your body. It’s the longest cranial nerve and plays a huge role in the parasympathetic nervous system, which controls rest, digestion, and relaxation. When we are upset, there are physical changes our mind and brain go through. The vagus nerve supports breathing since our breathing tends to become ‘goofy’. It does this by affecting the muscles involved in breathing, helping regulate the diaphragm. This is the area of our mind that connects the gut and brain. The vagus nerve is a key part of the gut-brain process, influencing mood, mental health, and even conditions like anxiety and depression. To me, the most important (though they are all important reasons) reason to resetting the vagus nerve is because it triggers the relaxation response. Stimulating the vagus nerve (through deep breathing, cold exposure, or meditation) can promote relaxation and reduce stress. In short, it’s like the body’s superhighway for relaxation and balance—without it, we’d be stuck in a constant state of stress.

The idea of meditation (see the blog on meditation) feels at times impossible, especially when we are in distress. Try it! If you cannot concentrate on something, a pleasant event for you or a mantra, don’t panic. When you catch your mind drifting back to your distress, just gently and non-judgmentally, bring it back. Try this for whatever time you are able. Start with the goal of a small amount of time, even as small as one minute. Extend this time if and when you are able.

Other ideas, tips, and tricks are to use a breathing technique of your choice. You can also use distraction techniques where you do something, anything positive that takes your mind (even if it is a very short time) off of your negative thoughts. When they return, and they probably will if you are having a bad day, repeat any of these techniques over and over again. If you have access to some place that you consider nature, go there (if possible) and use one of the ideas listed above. Listen to POSITIVE, calming music is another way to help yourself. Maybe even try a new type of music that is calming, such as classical, close your eyes as let your mind find pictures that go with whatever you imagine or just sit quietly and ‘feel’ the music. Maybe songs that you liked when you were younger and in a better place can be helpful. Journal or write out your emotions, thoughts, feelings, and fears. Sometimes just getting them out in any form can be beneficial in lessening them. You don’t have to be an able to do these things perfectly!

Give yourself credit for doing any of the above techniques or any of the techniques that are in your toolbox. Remember, this tells your brain you are making progress, even if it is small, sometimes even tiny ways.

FINAL THOUGHTS:

KEEP YOUR CHIN UP! Take baby steps towards your recovery, put one foot in front of the other, and know, with a capital K, you CAN do it. Even if you can’t see it now, the world needs you!

Triggers

Triggers are things or words someone says that we encounter that makes us very uncomfortable and possibly allows us to indulge in our eating disorder. These things can be something as simple as a number, the outfit someone wears, a situation and yes even a smell. We become so super sensitive to the item/words/smells/situations/places that we tend to close up mentally. Triggers can sometimes even cause somatic symptoms. One of my own triggers is so severe that I instantly become nauseated.

So what can we do when we find ourselves becoming triggered? This is when we need to open our toolbox and use some of the tools we have. Breathe, use distraction, use a CBT or a DBT technique if you are familiar with them just to name a few.

Make a list of things/words/smells/situations/places that you know are triggers to you. Then work with your professional support team to help you to figure out what tools in your toolbox might work for each thing that you know is triggering. This is called a ‘Cope Ahead Plan’. You are pre-planning ahead of time so you have options for when you may be triggered. Practice these tools BEFORE you need to use them. By practicing our tools when we are calm, they are more likely to come to mind much more quickly when we need them.

If we do get triggered by someone we need to ask ourselves a question…Was the person aware that their actions/words are triggering to us? If the answer to this question is yes, we have to make the decision as to whether we want this person in our lives. We can always terminate the conversation; though for us it may be hard to do since most of us are not able to stand up for ourselves in the beginning of our recovery journey. To do something like this takes practice. However, we NEED to realize that most people have no clue what may or may not trigger us or even what our individual triggers are. Becoming upset is normal and natural, but it is up to us to let the person know that their words are making us uncomfortable in a private setting. There is never a need to humiliate someone because we are triggered.

If the trigger is a situation, we can always remove ourselves from it. When I go out with others I always drive myself. This way I do not have to rely on someone who may not be ready to leave to stop and take me home. I can excuse myself (if needed make up an excuse, such as I have a bad headache) and just go home. Once I have removed myself I can reach out to someone within my support team and verbalize my emotions.

If the trigger is a place we can:

avoid going there
Go to the place for very small amounts of time, it may only be 1 minute the first time. That’s okay! Increasing the amount of time by small amounts each time. This technique is a form on prolonged exposure.
if you have to go to that place you could take a trusted person who may or may not be in your support circle. Be honest with them so they know what to expect. If possible let them know how they can help you. Remember, people can’t help us if they aren’t aware of what is going on with us.
Another option could be that you limit your exposure to that place if at possible. Again, drive yourself so you can leave if needed.

If the trigger is a particular smell, remove yourself from the area in order to not smell it any longer.

Anytime we are triggered we can use our breathing techniques we have learned to calm ourself, our mind and our body. DO NOT beat yourself up; look at what you can do the next time you encounter the trigger. Each time we handle any trigger we might have, it lets our brain know you are a strong person and you will not allow it to control you.

FINAL THOUGHTS:

KEEP YOUR CHIN UP! Take baby steps towards your recovery, put one foot in front of the other and know, with a capital K, you CAN do it. Even if you can’t see it now, the world needs you!