Tag: depression

Letting go of my therapist

I USE THE WORD THERAPIST – BUT THIS COULD MEAN THERAPIST, PSYCHOLOGIST, PSYCHIATRIST, DIETITIAN OR ANY MENTAL HEALTH PROFESSIONAL THAT IS PART OF MENTAL RECOVERY OF YOUR SUPPORT TEAM.

There finally comes a time in our recovery journey where it is time to begin to phase out our therapist.  OH NO; NOW WHAT?  If you are like me, even the thought of do this sending almost instant panic and fear into my body and mind.  

 This reaction is actually very common and very human. When your therapist has been with you through vulnerable, difficult, and transformative parts of your life, the relationship becomes meaningful.  Letting go, even because you’re doing better, can still stir feelings of abandonment, grief, or uncertainty.  This doesn’t mean you’re regressing. It generally means that the relationship mattered to you.  Here are some important ways to navigate this transition:

1. Recognize that this is a form of grief; not all grief is a negative thing.

Even positive endings can bring grief.   Your nervous system learned: “This person helps me stay okay.” Letting go can feel like losing  your stabilizing anchor, even if you’re stronger now.  This is absolutely not weakness—it’s attachment, which is a necessary part of healing.  Your therapist has meant:

• Safety

• Witnessing

• Consistency

• Support during fragile moments

2. Reframe the ending as a graduation, not abandonment

Abandonment is when someone leaves without regard for your wellbeing.  You’re not losing what they gave you. You carry it, all the positive and productive tools and everything you have learned inside of you now.

This situation is different. This is:

• A transition

• Evidence of growth

• A sign you’ve internalized what you needed

Many people find comfort in this idea: the therapist’s words have become a voice inside your mind, an “internal voice”, so to speak, that you can still access and recall when needed.  You may notice yourself thinking “What would they say right now?”  That’s a sign the work took root.

3. Consider creating intentional closure

Closure helps your brain complete the emotional cycle.  Closure reduces the sense of sudden separation.

Some helpful options:

• Write them a letter (even if you don’t send it)

• Express gratitude in your final sessions

• Talk openly about your feelings of loss

• Ask if you can schedule a future “check-in” session if needed

4. Expect some emotional wobble—it’s normal

Even when you’re ready, you may feel:

• Vulnerable at times

• Unsure without the regular support

• A temporary increase in emotional sensitivity

This doesn’t mean you’re not ready. It’s your nervous system adjusting to standing on its own.  Think of it like physical therapy—you can walk on your own now, but the first steps still feel unfamiliar.

5. You’re not losing the relationship completely

Many therapists offer:

• Occasional check-ins

• The option to return if needed

• Or simply the knowledge that the door isn’t locked

Just knowing this can ease abandonment feelings.

6. You may be experiencing “earned security”

This is actually one of the most beautiful outcomes of therapy. You learned that:

• Someone could be present

• Someone could help you regulate

• Someone could care consistently

And now your system is learning: I can be that person for myself too.

As researcher Brené Brown often emphasizes, healing relationships teach us that we are worthy of care—and eventually, we learn to offer that same care inward.

7. A gentle mindset shift that helps many people

Your therapist didn’t just support you—they helped you become someone who can support yourself.

  Instead of thinking:  I’m losing my therapist.”  

Try thinking:  “I’m carrying forward what they helped me build.”

8. Especially important given your recovery journey

Because you’ve worked so hard in recovery, your therapist may have been deeply tied to:

• Safety

• Survival

• Identity rebuilding

So letting go can feel like letting go of a huge part of your life.  That part doesn’t disappear. It becomes part of you and your great strength.

⸻——————

Gradual transitions often feel much safer emotionally.  Here’s how to make a gradual taper emotionally steadier:

1. Name the Attachment Out Loud

If you haven’t already, tell your therapist directly:

• “Part of me feels scared about losing this.”

• “I notice abandonment feelings coming up.”

• “I’m proud of my progress, but I’m also sad.”

Processing the ending with them is actually part of the final healing layer.

2. Stretch the Space Intentionally

When sessions move from weekly to biweekly or monthly, treat the in-between time as practice rather than absence.

You might try:

• Keeping a short “What I’d Bring to Session” note in your phone.

• Asking yourself, “What would she/he ask me right now?”

• Writing brief reflections after tough moments.

This helps you internalize the therapist’s voice.

3. Create a “Bridge Object”

Some people find it helpful to:

• Keep a phrase their therapist often said..

• Write down coping tools learned in therapy.

• Keep one meaningful takeaway from your work together.

It becomes symbolic continuity instead of loss.

4. Expect a Little Regression Anxiety

When your contact with your therapist decreases, you might notice:

• Increased sensitivity

• A small spike in self-doubt

• Worry about slipping

This is common during tapering. It’s your nervous system recalibrating — not proof you’re not ready.  The key question isn’t: “Am I anxious?”  It’s: “Am I using what I’ve learned?”

5. Consider a Future “Safety Net” Plan

Ask about:

• An agreed-upon check-in 3–6 months out.

• The option to return if needed.

• What signs would indicate coming back.

Having a re-entry plan reduces abandonment fear dramatically.

6. Reframe What This Stage Means

You’re not being left. You’re being trusted.  This stage isn’t:

• “I don’t need support.”

It’s:

• “I’m practicing independence with support still available.”

When you imagine the therapy fully ending someday, does it feel more like:

• Sadness?

• Fear?

• Anger?

• Or something else?

There’s usually one dominant feeling underneath, and naming it makes it much less powerful.

FINAL THOUGHTS:

I know and believe that those of us who suffer from an ED of any type can beat it.  It is hard work and at times feels impossible; but I am sure it is a goal that is obtainable to all of you out there.

KEEP YOUR CHIN UP!  Take baby steps towards your recovery, put one foot in front of the other and know, with a capital K, you CAN do it.  Even if you can’t see it now, the world needs you!

Understanding Our ED

None of us woke up one morning and said “self, I think today I want to develop an eating disorder”.  It does not happen like that as we all know.  We all start our disordered eating for different reasons.  But the end result is the same, we are all suffering from a disease that started in one form or another as a way to cope with something we were not able or didn’t have the tools to handle.  Everyone’s beginnings are similar, but different.  Unfortunately the ending is all the same.  The fear, shame, self-loathing, depression, isolation and many other unpleasant thoughts, feelings and emotions overwhelm us.  Leaving us feeling like we are drowning in despair.  

For me, understanding exactly why I began restricting was painful because it meant what I call ‘re-hashing or re-opening’ of the old wounds.  Something I was not prepared to go through again.  In fact every time I tried to deal with my past my anorexia grew more out of my control.  So the old wounds just festered.  My ED gave me something to control and focus on while it took over my life and my brain in a way that allowed me to avoid re-opening my past.

Developing an eating disorder can be complex, varied and influenced by many areas of our life, including emotional, psychological, biological, and social elements. Some common influences that can allow this disorder to begin may include:

Emotional and Psychological Factors such as stress, anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, or a need for control can aid in the development of disordered eating patterns. Sometimes food or lack of food becomes a way to cope with overwhelming emotions.

Cultural and Social Pressures of societal beauty standards, media glorification of body image, or pressure from peers and our family can influence how we see perceive our bodies and our relationship with food.  When I was growing up a model named Twiggy was the rage.  She was a toothpick thin woman and was held up as a standard all women should look like.  Today we know that is so not healthy.

Biological Factors like genetics, hormonal imbalances, or brain chemistry can play a role in predisposing us to an eating disorder.  We can also be heavily influenced by the example our parents set for us.  If we see that our mother doesn’t eat much or binges and/or purges, over exercises especially when she is stressed or for whatever reason, this tells our brain that this is the way to handle stress, anxiety and/or unpleasant emotions. I am not sure if this is a biological factor or falls under family dynamics, so I put it in both categories.

Trauma and Life Experiences like bullying, abuse (of any type), loss of an important person in our lives, a major traumatic event which causes us deep pain or significant life changes can lead to feelings of vulnerability or loss of control, which some of us might try to manage through eating behaviors.

Family Dynamics where growing up in an environment where there’s an emphasis on appearance, dieting, or where emotional needs weren’t fully met can also be a contributing factor.  The examples set by our childhood caretakers can also have a large influence on whether we develop disordered eating.  If our caretaker uses food in one way or another to cope with their feelings, anxiety or other unpleasant situations, that is a strong example that we learn early on.  We learn that is a way to cope.  It would not be uncommon for us to develop that sort of coping mechanism ourselves.

Understanding the root causes of an eating disorder is personal and often complex.   I believe that we MUST be in a place of good physical and stable mental health before we can begin to tackle this subject.  Quite often we also suffer from other forms of mental issues such as depression, PTSD,  BPD, severe anxiety or bi-polar just to name a few.  Left unknown, unseen (because we are masters at hiding what we don’t want others to see), misdiagnosed or untreated can also greatly increase the chances of an eating disorder making its ugly appearance.  These too must be dealt with before dealing with the why question.  For without dealing with the underlying mental issues we can not achieve the stable mental health we need to pursue sorting out and dealing with the why of our ED.

I have found that the ED had to be dealt with first and foremost.  With the help of my support team, both professional and friends and family, I was able to reach and maintain a healthy weight.  Once I had enough mental and physical wellness as well as a ton of tools in my tool box to explore this area, I began to deal with the why I developed my ED.  I won’t sit here and say it is not scary and fear filled to reopen old wounds; but it is a necessary part of truly healing, in my opinion.

FINAL THOUGHTS:

I know and believe that those of us who suffer from an ED of any type can beat it.  It is hard work and at times feels impossible; but I am sure it is a goal that is obtainable to all of you out there.

KEEP YOUR CHIN UP!  Take baby steps towards your recovery, put one foot in front of the other and know, with a capital K, you CAN do it.  Even if you can’t see it now, the world needs you.