love – Wings of Recovery

Shame

SHAME…an emotion we tend to feel so deeply. It comes from things that others can’t seem to understand. So how do I know if I am feeling shame? Or could it be something else?

The definition of shame is: a painful feeling of humiliation or distress caused by the consciousness of wrong or foolish behavior. This definition of shame comes from an actual dictionary. Please note the word consciousness which means the DELIBERATE act on our part of exploiting or saying something that we intend to either hurt someone or getting them to do whatever we want at the time. This is something we all have done at some point in our lives.

That heavy, sticky shame feeling is so common—and it’s not a personal flaw. Shame is usually a learned response, not a truth about who you are. The good news: it can be softened. So how do I cope with and begin to lessen my feelings of shame?

Here are ways that actually help, not just what we have all heard over and over again of “think positive”.

1. Name it gently

When shame shows up, try: “This is shame, NOT A FACT.”

That tiny separation matters. Shame thrives when it feels unquestioned and absolute.

2. Get curious instead of critical

Ask yourself (kindly): • Where did I learn this was shameful?

• Whose voice does this sound like?

Often the answer isn’t you—it’s old rules, culture, family, or survival strategies that once made sense.

3. Practice self-compassion like a skill

This can feel awkward at first, especially if you’re used to being hard on yourself. Try this: • Place a hand on your chest

• Say (out loud if you can): “I’m having a hard moment. I’m still worthy of care.”

Neuroscience backs this up—physical warmth + kind language actually calms the nervous system. Also remember…words that we tell ourselves even just in our mind are so very powerful.

4. Share selectively

Shame weakens when it’s spoken to the right people. You don’t need to tell everyone—just one safe person, therapist, or support space. Shame loves secrecy; it shrinks with connection. I have found that once I share with one or more of my support team, the feeling starts to lessen if not go away.

5. Separate behavior from identity

Instead of: “I’m bad / broken / weak”. Try: “I did something I’m not proud of” or “I’m struggling right now”

You are not the problem—you’re a person having a problem.

6. Watch for “false responsibility”

Shame often says you should’ve known better, done better, healed faster. Ask: “Was I truly in control here—or was I coping the best I could with what I had?”

Most of the time, it’s the latter.

7. Let it pass through your body

Shame lives physically—tight chest, heat, urge to hide. Gentle movement, slow breathing, or even shaking out your arms can help release it instead of looping it in your head.

You’re not failing for feeling this way. You’re human—and learning how to be kinder to yourself is brave work 💛

FINAL THOUGHTS:

I know and believe that those of us who suffer from an ED of any type can beat it. It is hard work and at times feels impossible; but I am sure it is a goal that is obtainable to all of you out there.

KEEP YOUR CHIN UP! Take baby steps towards your recovery, put one foot in front of the other and know, with a capital K, you CAN do it. Even if you can’t see it now, the world needs you!

A Message to ED

ED,

Notice I didn’t say ‘Dear ED’. I only use that term as a term of endearment and you, ED, are not endearing. You are so unwanted that there isn’t strong enough words in the world to tell you how unwanted you are.

Once upon a time you were my best and one and only friend. For a long time, I thought you were helping me. You came into my life quietly, offering control when everything felt out of control. You whispered lies that sounded like truths—that being thinner meant being better, safer, more worthy. You convinced me that if I just followed your rules, I’d finally feel enough. And at first, it felt like maybe you were right.

But slowly, you took more than you gave. You turned my thoughts into obsessions, my confidence into fear, my body into a battleground. You made me believe that hunger was strength, that isolation was discipline, that shrinking made me powerful. You made me feel guilty for existing. You stole joy, relationships, spontaneity—everything that made me. You made promises you never intended to keep.

And the truth is—I’m tired. I’m tired of living in fear of food, tired of measuring worth in calories and numbers, tired of the constant war inside my head. I want more than what you offer. I want peace, connection, laughter. I want my life back.

This letter isn’t about pretending you were never there. I know you showed up for a reason. You tried to protect me in a world that sometimes felt too much. But your protection has a price I can’t pay anymore. So here’s the truth…I DON’T NEED YOU.

I’m learning to trust my body again. To listen to hunger not as weakness but as wisdom. I’m learning that healing is messy, but it’s mine. And every step I take away from you is a step toward freedom. YOU DON’T GET TO DEFINE ME!

Goodbye—for now, for good, or however many times I need to say it.

FINAL THOUGHTS:

KEEP YOUR CHIN UP! Take baby steps towards your recovery, put one foot in front of the other and know, with a capital K, you CAN do it. Even if you can’t see it now, the world needs you!

Words are Powerful

I have come to realize and understand how important the words we say to our self are. The words we say stick in our brains and further allow us to beat ourself up. Words have more power than we understand and are so very powerful to our minds. Some words just by their very nature are judgmental. When we use negative judgmental words on ourself we are immediately telling ourself we did something “bad”. For anyone who grew up being constantly criticized we know this all too well. Some of use grew up hearing on a regular basis that we are stupid, ugly, too thin, too fat, cubby, crazy, everything is our fault, we should have, etc., etc., etc. These words become deeply embedded in our mind and very powerful. Thus we are sure that there is truth to what we heard over and over, even if we are not aware of the message. Until we realize that the words we have heard repeatedly that those words are NOT true, we live our lives as though they are a reality. This is actually called cognitive distortion. Let’s take the power out of those words.

Every time we use the word ‘should’ we are actually making a judgment about ourself and unfortunately for most of us, that judgement falls on the negative side of things. Especially when we fail to be able to follow through in the manner we think we ‘should’. I found, for me, the simple act of changing the word ‘should’ to the word ‘could’ removes a lot of the judgements I make about me. Instead of saying to myself “I should have done it this way”, I try to check myself and change it to “I could have done it this way”. This removes the negative judgement that I didn’t live up to my own expectations and instead shows my mind that I had and still do have options. And next time I could do it another way.

Take the word ‘control’. This word by its very meaning to our minds means we have some influence as to what or who we are dealing with. This is not always true. We cannot control other people, their words or their actions. When we fail to be able to do what our mind tells us what we should (there’s that word ‘should’ again) be able to do, that we can force the situation to be what we want, we then use that thought as a reason the beat ourselves up. The simple fact is we have no influence on other people or situations. Changing the word ‘control’ to ‘manage’ helps us to realize we can manage the person or situation by how we react to it.

By challenging the words we use, we can take the power out of all the negative thoughts we use on ourself. This is not an easy thing to do. It takes time along with many trials and errors. My suggestion is to make a list of words that contain negative judgements against ourself. Next put another word(s) next to it that is a kinder, gentler word(s) or phrase we could use in its place. If you are unable to think of a new word(s) ask your support team, either professional or friends and family, who can come up with ideas. There is a Change My Words template under the template section. Feel free to use it or to just use it as ideas for making your own. Use a spiral notebook to do this is you aren’t feeling creative.

FINAL THOUGHTS:

KEEP YOUR CHIN UP! Take baby steps towards your recovery, put one foot in front of the other and know, with a capital K, you CAN do it. Even if you can’t see it now, the world needs you!