love – Wings of Recovery

Curiosity

Curiosity can be a good thing for us if used properly. My dietician is always saying to me, “can we be curious on where that thought/emotion is coming from”? For me, that aspect of self questioning can be very painful at times. It can lead me to areas of thought or emotions that I don’t want to feel or believe I am not ready for.

For example: Whenever I am feeling fear, I try to be curious about it now. I ask myself these questions:

What is causing this fear?
What exactly am I afraid of?
Is it the emotions I am feeling?
Is it emotions I MIGHT feel?
Is it the intensity of the emotion(s)?
Is it the actual situation I am in?
Is there a valid reason for this fear?
Is it the emotions that go with a memory?
Is it based on a specific trigger?
Is this fear based on a cognitive distortion?
What was my role in whatever situation the thoughts are coming from?

Based on the answers I have given to these questions I can try to use a tool from my toolbox to calm and lessen the fear.

Deep belly breathing
Check the facts
Sit with the emotions
Repeating:

“I am safe “

“ Not everything is my fault”

“I cannot control other people, places and things”

“False Evidence Appears Real”

“I am enough “

Have a conversation with my fear

So let’s be curious together. Ask yourself some questions trying to figure out exactly what it is that is upsetting you so much. Am I stressed, sad, angry, feel invalidated, what is that I feel? If I feel angry, could it be that my anger is a cover up for other emotions I don’t know how to deal with? Is it a trigger that has me flashing back to something that is physical or emotionally painful? There are a myriad of questions you can ask yourself to get to the bottom of this emotion/feeling/thought. You have to figure out how to question your mind so that you can get some honest and real answers to your questions.

Once this process has been completed as far as you can go ask yourself what tools do I have in my ‘toolbox’ to help me lessen or expel these thoughts/emotions/feelings. I have listed a few of the tools I have and do,regularly use. Some of my tools I use may not be what you need to,do,at that moment. So keep trying to find the tool or combination of tools that work for you. If you can’t find any tool that works just sit with emotions until you can ask someone who may be able to guide you to a tool that is useful to you.

Remember no emotion ever killed anyone – it is the reaction to the emotion that can get us into trouble. Emotions and thoughts do not have to paralyze us. We can use them to help us grow and strengthen our recovery. I know you can do it. Keep on keeping on!

FINAL THOUGHTS:

I know and believe that those of us who suffer from an ED of any type can beat it. It is hard work and at times feels impossible; but I am sure it is a goal that is obtainable to all of you out there.

KEEP YOUR CHIN UP! Take baby steps towards your recovery, put one foot in front of the other and know, with a capital K, you CAN do it. Even if you can’t see it now, the world needs you!

Shame

SHAME…an emotion we tend to feel so deeply. It comes from things that others can’t seem to understand. So how do I know if I am feeling shame? Or could it be something else?

The definition of shame is: a painful feeling of humiliation or distress caused by the consciousness of wrong or foolish behavior. This definition of shame comes from an actual dictionary. Please note the word consciousness which means the DELIBERATE act on our part of exploiting or saying something that we intend to either hurt someone or getting them to do whatever we want at the time. This is something we all have done at some point in our lives.

That heavy, sticky shame feeling is so common—and it’s not a personal flaw. Shame is usually a learned response, not a truth about who you are. The good news: it can be softened. So how do I cope with and begin to lessen my feelings of shame?

Here are ways that actually help, not just what we have all heard over and over again of “think positive”.

1. Name it gently

When shame shows up, try: “This is shame, NOT A FACT.”

That tiny separation matters. Shame thrives when it feels unquestioned and absolute.

2. Get curious instead of critical

Ask yourself (kindly): • Where did I learn this was shameful?

• Whose voice does this sound like?

Often the answer isn’t you—it’s old rules, culture, family, or survival strategies that once made sense.

3. Practice self-compassion like a skill

This can feel awkward at first, especially if you’re used to being hard on yourself. Try this: • Place a hand on your chest

• Say (out loud if you can): “I’m having a hard moment. I’m still worthy of care.”

Neuroscience backs this up—physical warmth + kind language actually calms the nervous system. Also remember…words that we tell ourselves even just in our mind are so very powerful.

4. Share selectively

Shame weakens when it’s spoken to the right people. You don’t need to tell everyone—just one safe person, therapist, or support space. Shame loves secrecy; it shrinks with connection. I have found that once I share with one or more of my support team, the feeling starts to lessen if not go away.

5. Separate behavior from identity

Instead of: “I’m bad / broken / weak”. Try: “I did something I’m not proud of” or “I’m struggling right now”

You are not the problem—you’re a person having a problem.

6. Watch for “false responsibility”

Shame often says you should’ve known better, done better, healed faster. Ask: “Was I truly in control here—or was I coping the best I could with what I had?”

Most of the time, it’s the latter.

7. Let it pass through your body

Shame lives physically—tight chest, heat, urge to hide. Gentle movement, slow breathing, or even shaking out your arms can help release it instead of looping it in your head.

You’re not failing for feeling this way. You’re human—and learning how to be kinder to yourself is brave work 💛

FINAL THOUGHTS:

KEEP YOUR CHIN UP! Take baby steps towards your recovery, put one foot in front of the other and know, with a capital K, you CAN do it. Even if you can’t see it now, the world needs you!

A Message to ED

ED,

Notice I didn’t say ‘Dear ED’. I only use that term as a term of endearment and you, ED, are not endearing. You are so unwanted that there isn’t strong enough words in the world to tell you how unwanted you are.

Once upon a time you were my best and one and only friend. For a long time, I thought you were helping me. You came into my life quietly, offering control when everything felt out of control. You whispered lies that sounded like truths—that being thinner meant being better, safer, more worthy. You convinced me that if I just followed your rules, I’d finally feel enough. And at first, it felt like maybe you were right.

But slowly, you took more than you gave. You turned my thoughts into obsessions, my confidence into fear, my body into a battleground. You made me believe that hunger was strength, that isolation was discipline, that shrinking made me powerful. You made me feel guilty for existing. You stole joy, relationships, spontaneity—everything that made me. You made promises you never intended to keep.

And the truth is—I’m tired. I’m tired of living in fear of food, tired of measuring worth in calories and numbers, tired of the constant war inside my head. I want more than what you offer. I want peace, connection, laughter. I want my life back.

This letter isn’t about pretending you were never there. I know you showed up for a reason. You tried to protect me in a world that sometimes felt too much. But your protection has a price I can’t pay anymore. So here’s the truth…I DON’T NEED YOU.

I’m learning to trust my body again. To listen to hunger not as weakness but as wisdom. I’m learning that healing is messy, but it’s mine. And every step I take away from you is a step toward freedom. YOU DON’T GET TO DEFINE ME!

Goodbye—for now, for good, or however many times I need to say it.

FINAL THOUGHTS:

KEEP YOUR CHIN UP! Take baby steps towards your recovery, put one foot in front of the other and know, with a capital K, you CAN do it. Even if you can’t see it now, the world needs you!

Words are Powerful

I have come to realize and understand how important the words we say to our self are. The words we say stick in our brains and further allow us to beat ourself up. Words have more power than we understand and are so very powerful to our minds. Some words just by their very nature are judgmental. When we use negative judgmental words on ourself we are immediately telling ourself we did something “bad”. For anyone who grew up being constantly criticized we know this all too well. Some of use grew up hearing on a regular basis that we are stupid, ugly, too thin, too fat, cubby, crazy, everything is our fault, we should have, etc., etc., etc. These words become deeply embedded in our mind and very powerful. Thus we are sure that there is truth to what we heard over and over, even if we are not aware of the message. Until we realize that the words we have heard repeatedly that those words are NOT true, we live our lives as though they are a reality. This is actually called cognitive distortion. Let’s take the power out of those words.

Every time we use the word ‘should’ we are actually making a judgment about ourself and unfortunately for most of us, that judgement falls on the negative side of things. Especially when we fail to be able to follow through in the manner we think we ‘should’. I found, for me, the simple act of changing the word ‘should’ to the word ‘could’ removes a lot of the judgements I make about me. Instead of saying to myself “I should have done it this way”, I try to check myself and change it to “I could have done it this way”. This removes the negative judgement that I didn’t live up to my own expectations and instead shows my mind that I had and still do have options. And next time I could do it another way.

Take the word ‘control’. This word by its very meaning to our minds means we have some influence as to what or who we are dealing with. This is not always true. We cannot control other people, their words or their actions. When we fail to be able to do what our mind tells us what we should (there’s that word ‘should’ again) be able to do, that we can force the situation to be what we want, we then use that thought as a reason the beat ourselves up. The simple fact is we have no influence on other people or situations. Changing the word ‘control’ to ‘manage’ helps us to realize we can manage the person or situation by how we react to it.

By challenging the words we use, we can take the power out of all the negative thoughts we use on ourself. This is not an easy thing to do. It takes time along with many trials and errors. My suggestion is to make a list of words that contain negative judgements against ourself. Next put another word(s) next to it that is a kinder, gentler word(s) or phrase we could use in its place. If you are unable to think of a new word(s) ask your support team, either professional or friends and family, who can come up with ideas. There is a Change My Words template under the template section. Feel free to use it or to just use it as ideas for making your own. Use a spiral notebook to do this is you aren’t feeling creative.

FINAL THOUGHTS:

KEEP YOUR CHIN UP! Take baby steps towards your recovery, put one foot in front of the other and know, with a capital K, you CAN do it. Even if you can’t see it now, the world needs you!