recovery – Wings of Recovery

Shame

SHAME…an emotion we tend to feel so deeply. It comes from things that others can’t seem to understand. So how do I know if I am feeling shame? Or could it be something else?

The definition of shame is: a painful feeling of humiliation or distress caused by the consciousness of wrong or foolish behavior. This definition of shame comes from an actual dictionary. Please note the word consciousness which means the DELIBERATE act on our part of exploiting or saying something that we intend to either hurt someone or getting them to do whatever we want at the time. This is something we all have done at some point in our lives.

That heavy, sticky shame feeling is so common—and it’s not a personal flaw. Shame is usually a learned response, not a truth about who you are. The good news: it can be softened. So how do I cope with and begin to lessen my feelings of shame?

Here are ways that actually help, not just what we have all heard over and over again of “think positive”.

1. Name it gently

When shame shows up, try: “This is shame, NOT A FACT.”

That tiny separation matters. Shame thrives when it feels unquestioned and absolute.

2. Get curious instead of critical

Ask yourself (kindly): • Where did I learn this was shameful?

• Whose voice does this sound like?

Often the answer isn’t you—it’s old rules, culture, family, or survival strategies that once made sense.

3. Practice self-compassion like a skill

This can feel awkward at first, especially if you’re used to being hard on yourself. Try this: • Place a hand on your chest

• Say (out loud if you can): “I’m having a hard moment. I’m still worthy of care.”

Neuroscience backs this up—physical warmth + kind language actually calms the nervous system. Also remember…words that we tell ourselves even just in our mind are so very powerful.

4. Share selectively

Shame weakens when it’s spoken to the right people. You don’t need to tell everyone—just one safe person, therapist, or support space. Shame loves secrecy; it shrinks with connection. I have found that once I share with one or more of my support team, the feeling starts to lessen if not go away.

5. Separate behavior from identity

Instead of: “I’m bad / broken / weak”. Try: “I did something I’m not proud of” or “I’m struggling right now”

You are not the problem—you’re a person having a problem.

6. Watch for “false responsibility”

Shame often says you should’ve known better, done better, healed faster. Ask: “Was I truly in control here—or was I coping the best I could with what I had?”

Most of the time, it’s the latter.

7. Let it pass through your body

Shame lives physically—tight chest, heat, urge to hide. Gentle movement, slow breathing, or even shaking out your arms can help release it instead of looping it in your head.

You’re not failing for feeling this way. You’re human—and learning how to be kinder to yourself is brave work 💛

FINAL THOUGHTS:

I know and believe that those of us who suffer from an ED of any type can beat it. It is hard work and at times feels impossible; but I am sure it is a goal that is obtainable to all of you out there.

KEEP YOUR CHIN UP! Take baby steps towards your recovery, put one foot in front of the other and know, with a capital K, you CAN do it. Even if you can’t see it now, the world needs you!

My positive Tips & Tricks

Along my very long journey towards recovery, I have made discoveries of various things that work for me when I am struggling. Many of these are just my own adaptation of tools from different methodologies that are proven to work combatting ED. These tips and tricks work for me. Feel free to give them a try or just use these ideas to make up your own.

I use the 5 senses tool but with a slight variation. I will name my favorite movies, 4 of the main characters in it, 3 of my reasons I enjoyed the ‘movie to make it one of my favorites, 2 places that I thought were great in the movie and 1 favorite scene in the movie. Use as much or as little detail as you are able; the more detail the longer the exercise is and the more calm you might find yourself becoming. This technique does not keep me grounded in the present as the 5 senses tool does. But rather allows me to distract myself away from the ruminating or unpleasant thoughts I am having. Which ultimately helps to calm me and then allows me to be back in the present. I am a reader, so I might switch it up and use 5 of my favorite books.

One of my favorite tricks is just as simple. I am, and always have been, a reader so I take my favorite book or series of books and using any actress or actor, past or present, alive or dead and at any age they were in acting to figure out who I would cast as each character. See if you can actually visualize them in the role you are assigning them to. If you are not a reader, but use an app to listen to a book, you can still do this. This is also something I use when my mind is racing at night and I need to slow it down. BTW, if you and any of your friends are readers, you can turn this into a great conversation which can invoke a lot of laughter as you learn who others think would be a good fit for each character.

The great thing about the first 2 tips/tricks is that you can do them anytime you want. You are only using your mind and last I checked no one is a mind reader so others won’t know what you are doing.

Another thing that I do which helps with distraction and helps make me smile is that I think of something, going all the way back to the first things I can remember, and find a positive memory. Once you find one, concentrate on the actual memory and NOT what happened before or after the memory. Everyone has at least one memory that brings a smile to their face. The trick here is to focus on the positive emotions that the memory invokes. Go ahead and actually smile as you remember it. That is the object. Don’t panic if it is hard to find one in the beginning. Just keep trying. When I first developed this technique for myself it was impossible for me to find a good memory. But I kept working on it for only about 2 minutes at a time until I was able to find one. The reason for the time limit is to minimize any sense of frustration when you are not able to recall something good. Don’t beat yourself up. Just try again at another time. It took me about 5 times of doing this technique before I was able to come up with one. Once I was able to find a memory, it seemed like the flood of good memories didn’t want to stop. This helped me to begin to realize that my life had some great times, which I had a hard time remembering. My first good memory that makes me smile is the x-mas I got a brush, comb and mirror set when I was 6. Both of my grandmothers had one and I felt so grown up and ‘just like them’. This memory never fails to make me smile.

As time goes by you may find other tips and tricks that work for you. In my opinion, any tips or tricks you find that are POSITIVE in nature and help you are okay. E-mail me with them at wingsofrecovery@yahoo.com. If I get enough tips and tricks that work for you, I will publish a blog on them in the future.

FINAL THOUGHTS:

KEEP YOUR CHIN UP! Take baby steps towards your recovery, put one foot in front of the other and know, with a capital K, you CAN do it. Even if you can’t see it now, the world needs you!

Don’t let a slip turn into a slide

Not one of use who suffer from an eating disorder are able to “get it” immediately. We all struggle, especially in the beginning. Remember, recovery IS NOT LINEAR. It has its ups and downs. Some days we believe ‘I got this’ and other times we are so overwhelmed and want to throw in the towel. On those days we feel like ‘I got this’ we feel on top of the world…woo-hoo, finally! The days that we are overwhelmed are the days we struggle just to keep our head above water. These are the days we tend to let our meal plan slide. These are the days that we throw up our hands and say forget this crap. Those are the days we are most likely to begin to slip. We all have those days no matter how long we have been in recovery or how far we have come in our journey. The trick here is DON’T LET THE SLIP TURN INTO A SLIDE. If we can think about it in a more positive manner, we can prevent this from happening.

If you are able, reach out to your professional team to get help with this. Part of their “job” is to help us so the slip doesn’t turn into a slide. They may have tools to suggest that you can use to help you get back your motivation and courage (yes, it takes courage to beat this disease) and desire to ‘get back on the horse’ so to speak. They can help you to figure out what you need to change with your thinking so you can stop the slip. They will help you to not beat yourself up, something we all are way too good at doing. If you are unable to see what triggered the slip, they are there to help you, guide yourself to the answer, and work through it.

Check to see what tools you may already know and can use to make this process easier. The tools may be able for help you figure out what triggered the slip. Use those tools! Take a look at your motivation and use that to give you the gentle nudge you may need to make today a more beneficial and healthier day. Journal, get busy, use self-soothing. Use Check the Facts or Pros & Cons (both DBT tools) to see if you can find other ways to make better decisions when it comes to your meal plan. Meditation can be a valuable tool; I use the mantra meditation technique. Being an anorexic, my mantra for this is “I deserve and want to eat”. You can make your own mantra based on your type of ED. This is also where I turn to my higher power. I can get extra strength from him if I ask, then sit quietly and listen.

If you journal or keep a gratitude journal go back and read your wins or look at your progress list (if you made one). This can help us to remember that bad days happen, but you are moving forward and making progress even if you aren’t able to see that for yourself. If you don’t do either of those things, just sit quietly and see if you can find some progress in your recovery, no matter how small you may feel the progress is.

Each day is a new day, a new beginning, a fresh start. Each day we get up we can reaffirm our decision to do the best we can. Yesterday is over, today is all we have. So let’s begin by not beating ourselves up over a day where we were not able to achieve our meal plan. We cannot change it; but rather might use yesterday as a history book to see what NOT to do. If you are not happy with yourself over yesterday and your actions then you have the power to change them today. By this I do not mean change what you did but to just use your radical acceptance tool and accept. No judgement, no butt kicking of yourself. It was what it was. Remember, YESTERDAY IS OVER. Make a resolution to do better today. Then do it!

FINAL THOUGHTS:

KEEP YOUR CHIN UP! Take baby steps towards your recovery, put one foot in front of the other and know, with a capital K, you CAN do it. Even if you can’t see it now, the world needs you!

I know I am making progress because…

Keeping track of the progress we have made is imperative to the success of our recovery. We need to be able to recognize we are progressing, no matter how small the progress is. Some of our progress will show up under the Today’s Wins if you are keeping a gratitude journal. No matter whether you keep a gratitude journal or you don’t, having our progress in black and white is a great reminder of how far we have come.

My ‘I am making progress because’ list is something I add to whenever I feel the need to remind myself of the progress of my recovery. Another benefit to keeping track is that you can give it to your professional support team easily. This lets them see what you are making progress in. I myself, put each time I add to it a different color so I can see the growth.

I have put out a sample of my progress report to myself. Several templates for this type of list are out under the templates blog section. You can either print them (and there are several different templates) out there, or just use them to design your own. You don’t have to use a “pretty” page; it can just be written done in a spiral notebook. It is up to you.

FINAL THOUGHTS:

KEEP Y0UR CHIN UP! Take baby steps towards your recovery, put one foot in front of the other and know, with a capital K, you CAN do it. Even if you can’t see it now, the world needs you!