SHAME…an emotion we tend to feel so deeply. It comes from things that others can’t seem to understand. So how do I know if I am feeling shame? Or could it be something else?
The definition of shame is: a painful feeling of humiliation or distress caused by the consciousness of wrong or foolish behavior. This definition of shame comes from an actual dictionary. Please note the word consciousness which means the DELIBERATE act on our part of exploiting or saying something that we intend to either hurt someone or getting them to do whatever we want at the time. This is something we all have done at some point in our lives.
That heavy, sticky shame feeling is so common—and it’s not a personal flaw. Shame is usually a learned response, not a truth about who you are. The good news: it can be softened. So how do I cope with and begin to lessen my feelings of shame?
Here are ways that actually help, not just what we have all heard over and over again of “think positive”.
1. Name it gently
When shame shows up, try: “This is shame, NOT A FACT.”
That tiny separation matters. Shame thrives when it feels unquestioned and absolute.
2. Get curious instead of critical
Ask yourself (kindly): • Where did I learn this was shameful?
• Whose voice does this sound like?
Often the answer isn’t you—it’s old rules, culture, family, or survival strategies that once made sense.
3. Practice self-compassion like a skill
This can feel awkward at first, especially if you’re used to being hard on yourself. Try this: • Place a hand on your chest
• Say (out loud if you can): “I’m having a hard moment. I’m still worthy of care.”
Neuroscience backs this up—physical warmth + kind language actually calms the nervous system. Also remember…words that we tell ourselves even just in our mind are so very powerful.
4. Share selectively
Shame weakens when it’s spoken to the right people. You don’t need to tell everyone—just one safe person, therapist, or support space. Shame loves secrecy; it shrinks with connection. I have found that once I share with one or more of my support team, the feeling starts to lessen if not go away.
5. Separate behavior from identity
Instead of: “I’m bad / broken / weak”. Try: “I did something I’m not proud of” or “I’m struggling right now”
You are not the problem—you’re a person having a problem.
6. Watch for “false responsibility”
Shame often says you should’ve known better, done better, healed faster. Ask: “Was I truly in control here—or was I coping the best I could with what I had?”
Most of the time, it’s the latter.
7. Let it pass through your body
Shame lives physically—tight chest, heat, urge to hide. Gentle movement, slow breathing, or even shaking out your arms can help release it instead of looping it in your head.
You’re not failing for feeling this way. You’re human—and learning how to be kinder to yourself is brave work 💛
FINAL THOUGHTS:
I know and believe that those of us who suffer from an ED of any type can beat it. It is hard work and at times feels impossible; but I am sure it is a goal that is obtainable to all of you out there.
KEEP YOUR CHIN UP! Take baby steps towards your recovery, put one foot in front of the other and know, with a capital K, you CAN do it. Even if you can’t see it now, the world needs you!
Wings of Recovery 